Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
