he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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