i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
