i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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