By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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