No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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