my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
