Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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