so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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