BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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