After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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