You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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