i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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