shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
