I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
So many bounce houses so little time
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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