New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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