i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
