the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
