he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
