we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
