im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
