There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
