And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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