Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.