Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend