...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.