Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
