Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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