I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just want nice things and good sex
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian