According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
