if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
