Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
