It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
