she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
