I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You pole danced in your parka.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
