My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
