Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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