I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
