I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
