Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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