I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
