i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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