Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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