Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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