so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
