3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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