i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
