I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
