i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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