I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
