I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
