I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
