anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
