My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
