you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
