Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
