I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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