Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
